yesterday got my first pay. 828.20 bucks. was kinda shocked by da figures, but though it's my first pay i don't feel any traces of happy emotion in my mood. got 4 sales yesterday and total amount added up to 262.80 if i'm not mistaken. wasn't feeling good yesterday 'cos on saturday, kinda had a quarrel or misunderstanding(i dunno how to describe, it is somewhere in between this two situation) with eng chun 'cos we plan to go out together on monday and wednesday on my off days. 'cos i suddenly remembered that i had to meet my shepherd on these days due to my absence in church service and caregroup due to work and she wants to have shepherding with me. 'cos we agreed before christmas da last time we meet, as i'm kinda a little forgetful so i forgotten da meeting until saturday when my shepherd was online and chat with me and reminded me 'bout da meeting. den i was like shit! time clash everything with our plan so i told eng chun 'bout it and he got angry with me and say i keep on giving empty promises. i was feeling that if i'm a person that give empty promises, why won't i stood him up everytime we say we go out together? being forgetful wasn't my fault, who on Earth doesn't forget unless you have a powerful memory. but even with powerful memory, we still forget don't we? so throughout our conversation after that sentence i didn't reply anymore and when i want to explain to him he told me to forget it and don't explain and say that maybe i don't treat him as a friend as he does and he's disappointed with me. that moment i was feeling like if i didn't treat him as friend, i won't bother to tell him and might as well stood him up. if i didn't treat him as friend, why would i still bother to tell him so much? is it i wanna him to misunderstand me? of course not! i just don't get it why can't he just try to understand instead of picking up a stupid misunderstanding. is not i wanted it to happen in da first place, don't i wanted to go out with him and others? i wanted badly since i started work 'cos i missed those carefree days after school going out with friends. i cherished my off days 'cos i wanted to go out with my friends. but as God's believer, i also have to accomplish my part to God too. it's almost half a year since i last went to my church and my caregroup due to da o'levels and my work. i still remembered that day on da phone with nicholas and he was kinda 'screaming' at me for not attending da services and not going caregroup. i feel bad that me, as a God's believer yet i didn't accomplish my part in serving God. nobody can understand that kind of feeling except yourself. maybe you all may say how come i didn't feel anything after i kinda quarrel with engchun. but i was feeling bad that i didn't explain clearly to him and cause this stupid misunderstanding. i feel so bad that i don't even have da mood to work yesterday and i nearly wanted to run away from here to break away from everything but because of God, i stayed on. he told me that this's what i have to do in order to pass da test given by him. he saw this coming even before we are born because everyone on Earth was created by him and our unique self are all his creations! maybe some of you disagree but this's what i know 'bout from reading books related to christianity.

moody and tired.......

wei ting